QUIPS AND QUOTES
Seagull steals from laziest cat in the world
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George Carlin Talks About Stuff
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Two Women Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer – we'd both still be alive.
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Loan for a Cowboy
A Cowboy from Laramie, Wyoming, walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Wyoming for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Laramie, Wyoming.”
“What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good ’ole Wyoming boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?” …!!!!!
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Elephant Self Portrait
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Personal Mobility Prototype
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Just click on the picture at left. When it opens, click on play, then leave the mouse alone, sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance. |
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A Great Way To Liven Up Your Garage
Impress your neighbors with Amazing Garage Door Covers!"
A German firm called "Style Your Garage" - creates posters for garage doors that make it look as if it's actually showing the interior of your garage, and what's in it!
Prices range from $199 to $399 for the double-door! All but guaranteed to make passersby take a second look!
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Playmate of the Year
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You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up
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Puns for an Educated Mind
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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GEOGRAPHY FACTS (Pretty Interesting!)
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska ..
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States ...
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village ...'
Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles
Los Angele's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City
The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.
There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin , Ireland ; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy ; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel .
Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria , which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island .. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%
Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia . It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was "boiling", with it.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
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A Dog That Understands Southern
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Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Some of Edgar Mueller's recent 3D Projects
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The World Trade Center Rises Again
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Study each picture and try to determine what it represents, before looking at the answer below the picture.
eggplant
Doctor Pepper
pool table
I Pod
Gator-Aide
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New Element
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.”
Little Gidding II
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
Bill Vaughn quotes
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress,
and working together is success."
Henry Ford
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Carl Bard
From small beginnings come great things.
Proverb
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Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
Albert Szent-Gyorgy
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National Geographic Best Pictures For The Year
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When shepherds get bored with their sheep.....
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Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time.
- Margaret Bonnano
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Brooks Adams "The Education of Henry Adams"
Six Secrets of Success
1. Expect to succeed
2. You become like those you associate with
3. You are what you think
4. Really excel in one thing in life and it will spread to other things
5. Education is worth any price you have to pay for it
6. Then is then, and now is now. Forgive yourself, move on, and progress.
"To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
-anonymous
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
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PLEASE read this carefully!!...I do not want this to happen to the people who mean so much to me.......
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When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words....
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poisoned tea."
He answered, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir", said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy" - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Comedian Kip Adota
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
-Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
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WALMART
HOW BIG IS WALMART?
1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St.Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11 This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall
Street. Better yet . . . let them run the Government
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Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France
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Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more......
Double hand scratching after this one...
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid....
or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?
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Ordering Pizza In The Future
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Leno Jaywalking
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Animator vs. Animation
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The 2012 Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition
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An old couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year.
It's all attitude. Enjoy!!
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Life really boils down to 2 questions....
1. Should I get a dog.....?
OR...
2. Should I have children?
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Stress Management
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See? It really does work. You're smiling already ...
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21 Economic Models Explained with Cows - 2009 Update
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
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AMAZING VIDEO
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Profound Statements
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle .
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
25. More government isn't the answer, it's the problem
-- Ronald Reagan
Thoughts become things....choose the good ones!
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Doctors Vs Gunowners
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
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"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant;
if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome"
-Anonymous
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Bring In Those Bird Feeders
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How It Works
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A.A.A.D.D. Symptoms
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
= At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
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We Got Your Money
GONNA SPEND YOUR MONEY...
GONNA PRINT SOME MORE MONEY ...
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"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
– The late Dr. Adrian Rogers , 1931 to 2005
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Thousands Attend Global Warming Protest
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Sponsor an Executive
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It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)
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Thoughts By Thomas Jefferson
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those
who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes.
A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the
government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
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When It's OK To Pee Your Pants
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This is How It's Done
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C.; One from Illinois , another from Tennessee , and a third from Kentucky.
They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
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Madoff Explains his Ponzi Scheme
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You Can't Fix Stupid
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What's the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?
Only the pigeon can still make a large deposit on a new BMW.
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Some of what Orange County, NY is famous for:
The oldest carbon dated human settlement in North America (12,500 years
old) is found here. More Mastodon skeletons have been unearthed here than
any other place on earth.
The 'Onion Capitol of the World' is the black dirt region of Pine Island.
'Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese' was invented in Chester, NY (1872)
'Velveeta' cheese spread (1923) and 'Lie derkranz' cheese (1882) were
invented in Monroe, NY
First butter factory in America was in Campbell Hall, NY (1859)
The oldest (1839) continuously operating winery in the US is in
Washingtonville, NY (The Brotherhood Winery)
The Tuxedo dinner jacket originated in Tuxedo Park, an enclosed
community developed by Pierre Lorillard, tobacco magnate (Old Gold).
The daughter of Bruce Price, the designer of Tuxedo Park NY (1880), and
also a resident, was Emily Post
The Order of the Purple Heart was established by George Washington in
Newburgh, NY (1782) Now home to the Purple Heart Museum.
The first Registered National Historic Landmark (1850) is Washington's
Headquarters in Newburgh, NY
The largest number (220+) of discount designer outlets in the US is in
Central Valley, NY with 12 million visitors per year (Woodbury Commons).
The worlds first, and still used, trotting track is in Goshen, NY
(Goshen Historic Track) (est. 1838)
Nearly all trotters and pacers in the US can trace their pedigree to the
stallion ' Hambletonian' of Chester, NY (1849).
The largest living history museum in NYS is Museum Village in Monroe, NY
Bear Mountain State Park has more visitors annually than does
Yellowstone National Park.
The main runway at Stewart International Airport (SWF) (formerly Stewart
Air Force base) is over two miles long (11, 818 feet) and is an
altern ate landing site for the Space Shuttle. New Windsor, NY
The United States Military Academy at West Point, NY (USMA est. 1778)
The largest Church Organ in the world is at West Point USMA.
Stephen Crane wrote his most popular novel 'The Red Badge of Courage' in
Port Jervis, NY.
The Intersection of I-87 and I-84 in Newburgh, NY is known as the
'Gateway of the Northeast'
The largest sculpture park in the US is the Storm King Art Center in
Mountainville, NY, featuring works from artists around the world.
The oldest (1919) continuously operating automobile racing dirt track in
the US is the Orange County Fair Speedway, Middletown, NY
'American Chopper,' on the Discovery channel, is filmed at ' Orange
County Choppers' in Newburgh, NY
The Hudson River, the first explored and most beautiful river in the
United States, passing through this area is called 'The Rhine of the
Americas'
In 1683, the County of Orange, named for William of Orange (King William
III, 1650-1702), was formed. In 1799, the residents of the southern
part of Orange County petitioned the state and broke off to become
Rockland County.
Orange County today is almost a half million acres in size and is dotted
with dairy and produce farms, orchards, vineyards, horse ranches and bucolic
villages set amongst vast areas of woodlands, rolling hills and glacier
carved valleys. There are three cities within the county's borders:
Newburgh, on the Hudson River; Port Jervis, on the
Delaware River; and Middletown, halfway between the other two.
The County seat of Orange County, NY, is the Village of Goshen.
Of the 10 Counties named Orange in the US, Orange County NY is the oldest
(1683).
It is 206 years older than Orange County California (1889),
169 years older than Orange County Texas (1852),
162 years older than Orange County Florida (1824),
133 years older than Orange County Indiana (1816),
98 years older than Orange County Vermont (1781),
69 years older than Orange County North Carolina (1752), and
51 years older than Orange County Virginia (1734).
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If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed
-Mark Twain
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard
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Heard on the Street:
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife."
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Wit is educated insolence.
Aristotle
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
David Starr Jordan
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.
Robert Green Ingersoll
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Questions To Make You Think
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
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Well Said George Carlin
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Treadmill Kitten
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CLIMATE CHANGE IN 90 SECONDS
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"We could learn a lot from crayons ...
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...
but they all have to learn to live in the same box."
-Anonymous
"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year."
-Marty Allen
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
-Herbert Henry Asquith
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
-Sam Ewing
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“Don't worry about avoiding temptation. .
as you grow older, it will avoid you.”
- Winston Churchill
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.”
-- George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.”
- Victor Borge
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When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein.
But if you stand 15 feet away, It will become Marilyn Monroe. Give a try
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Why Everyone Needs A Dog
"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument"
-William G. McAdoo (1863-1941)
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are. "
-Dale Carnegie
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Why Japanese Trains Run on Time (Rush Hour in a Japanese Subway)
How well do you know landmarks?
This one is kind of tough, but still fun.
See if you can name the landmark with an aerial view of the location.
click here:
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
Scott Adams
"Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."
- Aldous Huxley
"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
- Bob Hope
"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way."
- John Tudor
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Click here to watch a silly video
Never
doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change
the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
-Margaret Mead
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